I shared my story in this very raw and emotional video. Courage begins by sharing our story and letting the world see the real us. This video was the start of my healing journey.
Cheers and thanks for watching!
Note: please excuse any grammatical errors.
Hi, guys. I hope you've poured yourself a glass of vinito today. I actually poured myself glass in my cute little wine glass. Today, we are talking about a very sensitive and very difficult subject for me, which is family and forgiveness. This will be the start of a series of blogs that I will do about this topic.
For those of you that don't know my story. My mother was murdered back in 1999, my father was convicted of murdering my mother in 2002. I still remember that week when we got the news that my mother had been murdered. That week still haunts me, because after the news, it was only a few days after that my father confessed to murdering my mother.
I just recently saw my father a few days ago. I am having issues with my family and someone in my family that is very close to me. Just this week, he expressed how angry he was at me for speaking to my father. How could I forgive someone that murdered my mother and be okay with visiting him in prison?
Well, once my father was convicted of murdering my mother, it wasn't easy for me to forgive him. For years — I am sorry I am getting emotional but again, this is a very sensitive subject for me. It was years before I made the decision to go visit my father in prison. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband and a mother-in-law who accompanied me that day because it wasn't easy. Not only going through the process of the security and just getting into the prison, but I hadn't seen my father since his trial in 2002.
It took a lot of preparation, emotionally and mentally for that day. Of course, it was an awkward first visit, but I did it. I realized that I had to do it because I was living with so much anger inside, so much resentment towards him. In reality, when I went to that first visit, I knew that it was the start of a healing process for me.
I resented him for not only taking away the most special thing in my life, which was my mother. But I resented him for causing a ripple effect in my life. Because while I am super blessed, where I am at today, you always wonder what life would have been like if someone that you love so much wouldn't have taken someone so special in your life.
Of course, every story is different. I think we all go through dealing with people that we love and care about that hurt us. It's now that I understand that there are two types of people. Those who hurt us intentionally and will always hurt us and we know deep inside that it's better to keep them at a distance. And there's those people that hurt us for whatever reason it may be, because I will never understand what drove my father to do something so horrible because he was a great father. He wasn't a good husband at times, but he was a good father and I was daddy's little girl.
Before I get to jumping around, I know that it's been very difficult for a lot of people in my life to understand why I made the decision to forgive my father. Truthfully, in the few visits that I visited him, I've seen someone that is so unhappy living with so much guilt, which for me is the ultimate punishment. I just felt deep down in my heart that I had to be that better person and forgive him.
When no one else has visited him in prison, sent him money for things that unfortunately, you need but they cost money in prison. I send him money. I write to him when he writes to me because I feel that he is living with so much guilt and he understands what he did. But he does realize and he is sorry for what he did. Yes, it may not be the case but deep down inside I feel that he is very sorry for what he did.
Now, I haven't started to talk to my father about why he did what he did, what drove him to do what he did, why he decided to place the blame on me at the beginning. You know, I know that at the beginning of everything my family resented me a lot because he said that the reason why he murdered my mother was because I told him that my mother was having an affair.
Well, today, I admit that I did. I overheard a conversation when I was 14. That lead me to believe that my mother was having an affair. Whether she was or not, should have never been the reason why he took her life and changed our life forever. At 14, not knowing what sharing something like that with someone could bring. I told him about the phone conversation I had heard. A few months later, she was gone.
For so many years, I lived with that guilt inside. I still do live with that guilt. Not knowing that if I would have just stayed quiet about that conversation, maybe she would still be here today.
The reason why I am doing this video today for you guys is to tell you that family is special and you cannot take it for granted because it could be gone tomorrow. I know that keeping so much anger inside and not forgiving someone can lead you to a place that is very dark and ugly, which is the place that now I have had to overcome. If I ever want to find peace and have peace with other people around me because this situation not only impacted my life, it also impacted the way I deal with relationships with people.
I don't have an answer to forgiveness. It's something that takes a lot of work and sometimes there is not an answer to it and sometimes it takes longer to forgive someone and again there is no answer to it. But you cannot live your life holding so much resentment and anger inside because it will destroy your inner peace. It will affect everything around you, your relationships, your health and sometimes when we don't want to forgive because we want to make that person feel the hurt that we are feeling inside. We are only doing damage to ourselves.
Now again, as I mentioned at the beginning, my father's actions caused a huge ripple effect for not only me but for my family. I will not get into all those stories today. But I plan to share each and every one of them with you.
I will talk about family betrayal. I will talk about me admitting my wrongs. I will talk about letting go.
Again, this video is not to give you an answer with what you are dealing with but based on experience, I know how bad it is to keep so much anger and resentment towards someone inside. I took the first step with my father to forgive him.
I know that he may not ever apologize. I know that he may not give me the truth but deep down inside I know he is paying the ultimate price and I wanted to be the better person. I didn't want to fix him. I wanted to fix me. Again, sometimes we just have to let go and understand that there will not be any answers.
I hope you will join me for my forgiveness and family series. Yes, they will be emotional. I'll be emotional. I'll be sipping a lot of vinito to talk about these conversations. Because for anyone that knows me, they know that I've been very strong but I do have my melt downs and I do suffer inside sometimes because I am human.
I am blessed that you are sharing this experience with me, this healing process with me. I hope that if you are going through any of family issues or figuring out if you should forgive someone. I hope these videos will inspire you and together we would be able to heal. Much love. Bye.