It’s 3:30 am on Saturday and I can’t sleep. My head is flooded with unwanted thoughts, and for the sake of giving these annoying thoughts a name; I’ll call them gnats. Yes, like the small two-winged annoying flies, these gnats are becoming a serious problem. These gnats cause sweating, restlessness, excessive worry, fear, poor concentration, racing heartbeat, and given the time that I’m writing this, insomnia. Most doctors will categorize these symptoms as anxiety. Too bad I can’t call pest control to get rid of them.
So tonight, I’m writing to cope with these gnats. I created this space to share my experiences for self-therapy and to inspire others, but I got busy with other projects and while I hate to admit it, I’ve allowed gnats to get the best of me. “Is anyone going to read this post? Is my writing good enough? Will I be judged for being too authentic?” I really think my confidence is bipolar.
I’m back in the small office with no windows. I thought I could handle my feelings alone, but I couldn’t. The room oozes peace and tranquility. The sound of the humidifier is relaxing and the setting is perfect for a nap. I often catch myself gazing at the two watercolor paintings in front of me, one with a woman holding an umbrella and the other one with a woman and a child. When I’m not starring at the paintings, I’m glancing at a book of poems from Edgar Allan Poe that sits on a side table, or reaching over for a tissue to wipe my tears. My therapist tells me to let it out. Yes, after a long hiatus, I’m back at therapy.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with some family issues, and while I should have a strong backbone to deal with this, I don’t. And I know we all deal with family problems, but my family issues seem to be never ending. Family should be a safe haven, but instead, they are the root of my pain (especially my father). So tonight, my gnats sound something like this:
1. How can someone I love and do so much for act like they don’t care?
2. Why does my family act in selfish ways?
3. Why does my family treat me as if I’m not worthy of love?
4. Why does my family choose to turn on me when I need them the most?
5. Why does my family only come to me when they need something?
6. Why does my family not want to see happy?
7. Why does my family never clap when I win?
8. What am I doing wrong?
Gnats fill my head and feelings with anger. Suddenly, guilt and sadness consume me like a bad cold. I actually start feeling sick with symptoms. One of the most common symptoms is psoriasis flare-ups of the skin and nails, which causes joint pains. People tell me that they wish they could be strong like me. The truth is that I put up a strong front for survival, but inside, I’m mushy. I have a big heart and not one bit of malice in me. I’m a control freak; I want to fix everything and everyone. I either confront issues head on, in hopes of resolving them right away, or I avoid them all together like those annoying guys at a bar. My therapist says I don’t find a middle ground, and she’s right. She thinks I put too much pressure on myself and feel guilty for just about everything. She wants me to start letting go and putting myself first – holy shit!
Earlier this year, my husband gave me the opportunity to work on my business and myself. I’ve achieved the business part, but I’ve neglected myself. I’ve allowed every situation and family issue to impact everything around me. Instead of letting go and accepting that family may be going through a difficult stage in their life and not everything is my fault, I’ve allowed gnats to impact me physically and mentally. I now have to face the harsh reality that I have to prioritize everything, including issues if I plan to be strong inside (and happy). While I would love to have that “perfect family” in those corny Publix holiday commercials that always make me teary eyed, it’s just not going to happen.
I’m not sure what my next post will be about, but it will be in order of priority. I hope you will join me on this self-therapy journey to healing. We’ll talk about real life experiences, whether through these blog posts, my video blogs (which I hate watching for fear of them not being good enough), or over conversations and wine. I can’t promise to offer you advice, but together, we will empower each other and heal, so we can be the strongest version of ourselves.
I want to express my appreciation to Lia from A Girl In Her Thirties. Thank you for your genuine feedback on these types of posts, and for pushing me, so I don’t hold back my feelings. Always grateful to my blogger sisters and Miami Wine Lovers who inspire me to be the strongest version of myself.